so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
