My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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