i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
