just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Randomize
