I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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