cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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