Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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