Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
