I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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