I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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