LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
