Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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