I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
