Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
