I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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