Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
