wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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