Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
