when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
