I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
