my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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