I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
