Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
