Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
