I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
