I want you more than these girls want KFC
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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