1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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