FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
jump out the window naked night went bad
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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