We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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