That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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