Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
