I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
