I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I love having hate sex.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
