i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
