Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
