That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
