officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Pooping to opera.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
