I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
