i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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