Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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