You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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