i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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