YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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