you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she peed on how many people?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
