good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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