Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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