I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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