there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Randomize
