My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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