I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
