Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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