I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
