I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
