The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize