Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
