Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
