At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
