Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
