life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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