I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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